How would you go about gently letting down a child who thought they had a part in the wedding, and don't?

My fiance's family has this tradition where you use the kids from within the family to fill the role of ring bearer and flower girl. The only little girl in both of our famalies who was the appropriate age just kind of assumed she was going to be asked, as did her parents. My fiance and I agree we would prefer to use my friend's daughter as our flower girl. We only want one flower girl and we have chosen her. What would be a tactful way of breaking the news to this niece and her family, especially since we are going against an established tradition in his family?





Just a repeat, we do not want to have two flower girls, we want to use my friend's daughter and there will be no role for his niece in our wedding.





Thanks!

How would you go about gently letting down a child who thought they had a part in the wedding, and don't?
who's wedding is this yours or theirs. Stick to your guns and if they don't like then too bad.
Reply:What a shame that this asker is so selfish! Report Abuse

Reply:Ha ha, this must be a joke. Too funny. Report Abuse

Reply:Troll??? What did this poor child ever do to you?? Report Abuse

Reply:Oh yeah this is great Karma. Break the kid's heart! Your inlaws will love you forever!
Reply:If you absolutely don't want to include her then I would just go about planning and not mention anything. Let them ask you about it and THEN tell them, "I'm so sorry, but I've already asked ___ to be the flower girl." And leave it at that. I would ONLY bring it up in advance/first if you think they're already buying a dress for her...which would be extremely presumptuous and probably not the case. If they bring up "tradition" then just politely say, "I understand, however, she is a dear friend and we don't necessarily have those traditions in my family. I'm sorry if there was miscommunication." Or something like that. Honestly, I would try and find a place for her...junior bridesmaid? Can she read? Would she read a short poem maybe at the reception to start it off? Just something to make her feel special. Good luck!
Reply:His little niece will never forget that you did this to her. Your friend's daughter replacing a family member is not a good thing to do. There will always be bad feelings over this from his niece and her family. You will regret this decision for eternity.
Reply:You don't tell someone, child or adult, that they are NOT in the wedding party. If they have not been asked, no one should be assuming. If you and your fiance are asked why, you just explain nicely and politely.


Don't make drama where there is none.
Reply:the family is wrong in just assuming, but since it is family tradition, is there ANYTHING that the little one could help with?
Reply:Do you dislike this child? Do you see from the responses that perhaps YOU are making an unwise choice?





Yes, it's your wedding and you should make the choices of what you like and what you don't like for your wedding. BUT this is also a family matter. Sometimes you need to make concessions to please the family. And when there is no possible harm that can come from it, you should give in for the sake of family harmony.





Have you ever heard the term "Pick your battles"? This is not a battle worth fighting. Is it going to cost you ANYTHING to include her? Possibly a small gift, if anything - BIG DEAL!





This is a minor detail. Give in for Pete's Sake! It's not worth hurting a child's feelings nor making enemies of your future in-laws!
Reply:Why would saying anything be necessary? Never getting asked should spell it out for them! They shouldn't have assumed!
Reply:Your just going to have to tell them( I mean) it's your wedding and it's the way u and ur hubby to be want it.





It's not about them, it's about u and ur fiance and they're just gonna have to understand.





I know u feel a little pressure about telling them but thats not what u should be feeling right now.





Ur wedding is whats important.





Good Luck
Reply:make up a different role that makes her feel included. You can ask her to help with something else either wedding or reception-related. No matter what you do or say, she will be upset and disappointed.





If it were me, I'd just go ahead and have the two flower girls. Honestly it can't mess up anything terribly unless you're just anal about details.





At my wedding I wanted to include both my daughter and my niece as well as my new son. I made my daughter and new son (1 yr apart in age, 9 and 10 respectively) one of our bridesmaids and groomsmen and then let my 5 yr old niece play the part of flower girl.





Contrary to what you may think, the wedding is not all about you. The wedding is a chance for all of your loved ones to participate in your union. Your MARRIAGE is what's all about you two.
Reply:try and find a place for her in the wedding. if she is too young talk with her parents and explain the situation. then it will be there job to explain it to their daughter. either way shes going to be sad so try giving her another role.
Reply:How awful. Why can't you find a role for your fiance's niece? That's pretty cruel IMO. Please reconsider. It doesn't have to be Flower Girl, but why be so mean as to say "there will be no role for his niece in our wedding."
Reply:Obviously, you can have whomever you chooses as a part of your wedding, but at the end of the day, YOU will be the one coming off as the jerk in it all, and this is the kind of thing that cause a family to dislike the new in-law right from the get go...and that's usually something very hard to overcome. Again, you pick whomever you choose, but be aware of what you're getting yourself into here. At the end of the day, your friend will understand, while his family probably won't...you've got to pick your battles, and this is so piddly, it hardly seems worth it to dig in your heels over a flower girl, for heaven's sakes. Good luck!
Reply:Ohhhhh boy, are you in for a mess. I can just hear the crying and heart ache if this were my kid. Sometime you just don't mess with family traditions, but this is YOUR wedding and the choices are yours...try to calmly explain why and see what happens...don't expect it to go well as there are going to be hurt feelings...the best thing to do is probably not to have ANY kids in the wedding.





p.s. Don't start a problem in a family that can't be fixed. Think it over.
Reply:why do you care about her feelings? a few days ago she was an ugly little troll and thats why you didnt want her in the wedding in the first place. stop trying to act all nice and caring now you spoiled little wench. people like you disgust me.





for those who dont know what I'm talking about...read her other questions!
Reply:I personally am in the same predicament. I don't want two but to keep peace in the family i am having 2. There is only one ring bearer for 2 flower girls. If you absolutely don't want to include her invite her to go shopping with yall so she will not feel so left out. Good luck!!
Reply:That's a tough one! I know that it's YOUR day, but is there some small role that you could find for her to save breaking her little heart? Even if it's a behind the scene kind of thing. I am sure the family would appreciate the gesture.
Reply:Oh my gosh, I feel for you. I got married 9 months ago, and that would be so awkward. Shame on this girl's parents for assuming and letting her assume she has a part in the wedding without you asking her. No one has the right to assume they have any special place in you and your husband's special day. This is your day, and every bride has someone that she disappoints by not picking them for this or that. They will get over it.





However, since the parents of this girl so lovingly let her assume she'd be a part of the wedding, I would have the parents (who kind of caused the problem in the first place) break the news to her.





However, if you are looking for candlelighters, people to sit at the guestbook table, or anything else she might be able to do, you can offer her that. Just remember, this is not her wedding or her parents' wedding, this is your wedding. Make it your dream wedding, rather than catering to what everyone else wants it to be.
Reply:Give her another job to do. She won't be part of the wedding but she can have another job. My little cousins wanted to be in my wedding so bad. I had their older sisters in it so I decided to be nice I gave them another job. They had a basket full of bubbles and other wedding favors to hand out outside the church as soon as the mass was over! Give her something like that to do and she'll feel like she was still included!
Reply:I would explain to her how she is already part of the family, and therefore already involved in the wedding (maybe you can let her help you get dressed or something?). But this other girl isn't part of the family, and if she's not the flower girl then she'll be really hurt since she won't be involved at all. Try to make your niece feel sympathy for the other girl so that she'll almost want the other girl to do it.
Reply:Is only having one flower girl worth upsetting everyone? Is there a special reason you wouldn't want her to be a flower girl? I'm just asking because I'm also planning a wedding, and I sometimes make things more important in my mind than they are in real life. She will not just be his niece, she's going to be your niece too.





If you are definitely against having her, I honestly don't think there is a nice, tactful way to say it. You just have to be honest and then go out of your way to include them somehow in another way.
Reply:Don't address it unless they bring it up. Then just be honest and say that you've already asked someone. It's your wedding and this kid won't remember it two months down the road anyway! Assumptions are RUDE, telling the truth is NOT. You are in the right on this one, they need to be taught not to assume anything, they will only make an *** out of themselves!
Reply:Like another person said above me, read her other questions...she can't be serious!!


How can you be so mean? I really pitty your future children, them poor kids won't get to choose a perfect mother,like you can with your flower girls, they are stuck with an idiot.


Oh yeah, I didnt know they make wedding dresses for pig's?your so lucky you found one, I thought they where for human beings.
Reply:oh, you want to let her down gently now?? I find that hard to beleive as your last question regarding this called her 'fat' and 'ugly' and that she 'looks like a troll'.





Why ruin tradition and incorporate someone not even in your family just because she looks more appropriate!!





You are an incredibly vain and self centered women, I am disgusted that you would not let YOUR yes YOUR because you and fiancee will be married, niece take part in your wedding day just because she doesnt fit your perfect little mold.





Before any of ya'll give me a thumbs down, read her past question "do I really have to have my fiancee's niece in my wedding"
Reply:I would ask her if she wanted to be any thing else like help you if you need a toilet any you can not becaus eof your dress.


If she really does not want to be anything else just gentley let her down.


Hope this helps.


Good luck with the wedding
Reply:Well, you could either make a special place for her elsewhere in the wedding, or take her out for lunch and break her heart.
Reply:You really are not required to "address it" at all. They incorrectly made the assumption. You have the right to choose, and not follow their tradition. If they (the parents) are rude enough to bring it up, simply inform them of your decision. Depending on the age of the child it is most likely be the parents that are affronted not the little girl.
Reply:Going against tradition can be a risky thing to do....I dont see why you just dont have two flower girls, even if you dont want to. It will make that little girl and his family happy, and you guys get to have your friend's daughter too. Is there some deeper reason why you dont want her in the wedding? Honestly... IMO I dont think it's a huge deal to have 2 flower girls and I think you are being a bit silly here but if its really that big a deal having two flowers girls then give her another role.... I like the guest book idea if she's old enough to do that....I also like the idea of her handing out bubbles or rice to the guests to throw at you.....I'm a bride too...so dont take me the wrong way...just dont come off as a bridezilla to the new family...it's not the best impression to make. Please...fit her in somehow...you know in your heart or hearts its the right thing to do.
Reply:I have to say that there are some children that should never be in weddings (or invited) because of their behavior - which usually reflects on the parents lack of discipline. Having said that, I agree with the answer that you should find a job for the child - like the pen hander outer - and include a flower girl type matching outfit for the child's family to order to feel included. It is your wedding but don't lose track of the bigger picture that his family is becoming your family.
Reply:Okay, yes -- it is your big day and all, but is it worth hurting a child's feelings??? I know you don't want 2 flower girl, but to quote you "just a repeat" is it worth hurting a child's feelings. Get over yourself already!





Oh - editting my response -- just read your other question where you call a 7 year old a troll and that she's just plain ugly and close to 100 lbs -- You're the ugly troll here, not the child.
Reply:sounds rude,,the child doesnt know any better,,,have her do something else,,if u do not,,that will b a topic for many years..talk about causing problems from the start,,have her announce u,walk u down the isle,hold ur dress,,anything but make her a part.isnt that what family is about?